Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
