Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize