I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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