Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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