Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
