I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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