I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
