that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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