The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
