he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
