At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
