I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize