no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Randomize
