I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
