matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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