I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
