Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
