How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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