Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
