walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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