I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I woke up under a house in Key West
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