Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
