I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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