I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
