I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
