It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
