Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm passing your future prison.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
