i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
