What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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