we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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