Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
