I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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