At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
