yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
