just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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