she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
