Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
whose ass print is on the piano?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
