she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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