He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
