You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
