Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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