Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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