Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
