I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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