I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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