Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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