His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
