K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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