Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
