I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize