I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
