Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
