Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Terrible idea I love it
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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