i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Semen is not good for contacts.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
