i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
