I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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