I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
