we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
