Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
