I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
