the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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