i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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