I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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